POEM: DAVID GIACALONE
PHOTO: ARTHUR GIACALONE
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The tulips are outstanding. Thanks.
Posted by: Yu Chang | May 23, 2007 at 09:28 AM
What would happen if you reversed lines one and two?
Posted by: aurora | May 23, 2007 at 05:15 PM
Hi, Aurora. What's with the socratic method? You're leaving all the work to me, instead of enlightening us with your thoughts. Simply switching the lines would be a little stilted. If you mean:
blind date --
the baby boomer
keeps his hat on
the result of the switch would be okay. I was trying to use a structure other than the ubiquitous first-line-two-word-set-up followed by a two-line segment. Also, the original version uses the stumbling alliteration to give a sense of the awkwardness of the situation. It also suggests that both persons are boomers. That's the last question I plan to answer today.
Posted by: david giacalone | May 23, 2007 at 05:37 PM
I was thinking
blind date
baby boomer --
he keeps his hat on
sounded smoother, but I won't bother to explain since you're so cranky. :)
Posted by: aurora | May 23, 2007 at 05:50 PM
David was right; many published haiku, including many of mine, are in the form of " first-line-two-word-set-up + a two-line segment" construct. Always happy to experiment with different forms of juxtaposition, but if the ubiquitous 2-word first line makes the poem, I won't hesitate to use it.
David's second version sounds better(to me), and I like the flow.
I like Aurora's version with "blind date" as the first line
and "he keeps his hat on" as the 3rd. "Blind date baby boomer"
did not roll smoothly off my tongue; most likely because my
native language is not English.
Posted by: Yu Chang | May 23, 2007 at 06:55 PM
Thanks for the input, AA and YC. I'm not thrilled with using "blind date" as an adjectival phrase. But, this was a throw-away piece anyway -- just wanted to post that great photo Arthur took of the aging tulip bed.
curmudgeonly yours,
dag
Posted by: david giacalone | May 23, 2007 at 11:37 PM